While I don't think I am necessarily interesting enough to write a short blog post about myself, it could give you some insight and some context to the things you see here. First off lets talk about the name: mybadbrain. I liked the sound of it but I want to make things super fucking clear: It is light-hearted in intent and I am calling my brain bad because of the tumor in my cerebellum and not because of the autism. Why? Because the autism groups would show up at my house with pitchforks and torches if I insinuated that autism makes my brain bad. Hey, I agree with them, don't get me wrong- autism just... is. You don't treat "autism" with doctors and medicine and various therapies, you treat some of the symptoms if they are reducing your quality of life. Otherwise, the stuff about autism that just makes me weird? I hold on to that shit tight. That is the stuff that makes me, well, me. Its the stuff that makes my son himself (yes, I passed my autism on to my son. It manifests slightly differently, but overall quite similarly). I wouldn't change that for anything.
The tumor in my cerebellum is weird. Apparently due to its location it would be a real pain in the ass to remove, so it just sort of hangs out there. I learned about my tumor the same way we learn so much about ourselves: through sex. Years ago I began getting extreme headaches in the back of my head at the end of intercourse. Like someone stabbed me with a rusty rail spike. It was fucking hell- and not a fair turnabout for having just technically stabbed my wife. So what does my tumor do to me? I am not sure. Especially with the autism, how the hell do I determine what is what and who is doing what? There are probably a couple things I can blame on Giancarlo- I named my tumor Giancarlo. Its not because I am racist, but because Giancarlo Esposito is an incredible actor who is the go-to guy when you need a second-season villain in your show (See Breaking Bad, The Mandalorian, The Boys) that really holds water. Since I found out about it in sort of the second season of my life... he is Giancarlo- things like occasional random confusion or "brain fog. The occasional headache. Getting a bit more tired at times than I feel like I should. Beyond that? Who fucking knows.
As a later-in-life receiver of an Autism diagnosis, I got the strange opportunity to look back at my life and go "oh!". Like, "OH! I see why people thought I was being an asshole!" or "OH! I see why the people I had amorous interest in found me creepy!" which is a blessing and a curse. Its a built in ready to use excuse for some poor decisions I made in the past, but its also a big what-if for some other things. Overall it has enhanced my life. "To know thine self" and all of that. Wait... "To thine own self be true"? "Knowist thine self before you slowist thine self"? I don't know the quote and I am too lazy to Google dot com it. Thanks! Enjoy!
-DJC
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